Journey to self

“Self-acceptance and self-knowing are deeply interconnected. To truly know something about yourself, you must accept it. Even things about yourself that you most deeply want to change must first be accepted – even embraced. Self-transformation is always preceded by self-acceptance.” – David G. Benner (The Gift of Being Yourself)

When P asked that I told him something about me that no one else knew, I froze. There are a hundred things people don’t know about me seeing as I am a reticent being by nature, never particularly willing to share myself completely with anyone. I’ve often been forced to wonder if I’ll make a decent lover or wife. Maybe I will, when I find a good reason to trust another man with myself. Or maybe I won’t. It’s is after all said that the heart of a woman is an ocean of secrets.

Either ways, there are two major reasons I don’t feel compelled to reveal my feelings to others: the first is that the more people know, the more vulnerable you become. The other being the fear of being misunderstood and judged. You see, I have stumbled too many times in search of my identity. I have discovered hidden perks that would make my folks and friends cringe inwardly. But right beside that quirky and perky female is the tolerant and compassionate one people are accustomed to.

For years I thought the latter persona a more acceptable version of me and inadvertently repressed the former. Can’t confess it was healthy. Sometimes an emotional outburst reflects itself in very crazy ways most people can’t relate with. It was widely assumed that I was most surely facing an identity crisis. I believed that for a while, until I realized they were all wrong. I wasn’t facing an identity crisis, I was learning more about what was in me.

The more I explored my mind, the more I discovered more colors and shades. The more curious I became of my environment, the more I understood that I could be both the quiet pool and the raging ocean. When I began to embrace my numerous personality traits–both those I loved and what I so desperately wished wasn’t mine, the better my relationship with myself and others got. Oh, they aren’t any less surprised by something new, but they’ve stopped thinking something’s wrong with me.

Today I am learning to hone my strengths, and manage my weaknesses–not shy away from them or pretend they don’t exist. I am learning to assess my blueprint and decide how to project this to the world, to create a healthy balance of sort with myself. Most importantly, I understand that to know love, I must first learn to love me–all of me; this way I can also learn to love others and all their different hues, and give those who want to, a chance to love me too.

“Being loved for our best selves is something we should rejoice at, but being loved for our very worst is a joy that reaches to the innermost parts of hearts, healing us, blessing us, and providing us with the strength we need to live a full and beautiful life.” – J.Soriano

8 thoughts on “Journey to self

  1. livelytwist June 23, 2014 / 9:19 am

    Uncanny that we’re both thinking along these lines this period, telepathy? 🙂

    Discovering your identity should be a compulsory and life-long course in the University of Life. The people who frequently bring out the best in me are those who have a stromg sense of who they are and who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable in the right setting. I want to be like that too. So yes, go ahead and be your awesome self.

    I love the quotes you used. They resonate with me.


    • uju June 23, 2014 / 12:54 pm

      Brainwaves 🙂

      Thank you, Timi.


    • ericjbaker June 23, 2014 / 2:18 pm

      I thought the same thing, Timi. I wondered if you guys had a psychic link (or a URL link) that resulted in similar thoughts expressed differently.

      Liked by 1 person

      • livelytwist June 24, 2014 / 9:55 am

        That’s it, isn’t it Eric, “similar thoughts expressed differently” We don’t usually come up with some thing new, just something old, expressed in a fresh way.

        So, let’s see how this telepathy thing works. Wonder what she’ll post by Sunday? 🙂


  2. ericjbaker June 23, 2014 / 3:02 am

    If someone isn’t willing to accept you for who you are, they are not worth your effort. At least that’s what I’ve come to think over the years, and I find it very Zen to walk around with that attitude. I like the new gravatar, by the way (the old one was fine too). I have a sneaking suspicion you win a lot of people over before they know anything about you.


    • uju June 23, 2014 / 5:48 am

      That’s a conclusion some of us reach after we realize one can’t really fit in anywhere when they have to keep a part of themselves locked up to please everybody else.

      The gravatar, thanks 🙂 And your suspicion would be 80% correct; though I can’t say it hasn’t been the bane of my existence as much as it’s been quite favorable too.


      • ericjbaker June 23, 2014 / 2:21 pm

        No doubt. Women face is much wider array of social challenges than men do (everything is a compromise one way or another in a way that I do not have to experience). That’s why I find women more interesting to write in fiction.


Your turn...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s