Over the years I’ve listened to Nigerian men whine about how impossible it is to get a woman who will walk into a relationship with them when they are still struggling with their finances.
I have heard so many others term this ‘gold-digging’ and more so that women are not loyal (thank you Chris Brown).
This isn’t me saying that is an unfair generalization…by no means. It’s just a basic rule men do not understand and women are not willing/ready to admit.
Even with the rapid growth and rape of feminism, and the pseudo demise of misogynism/sexism, gender roles still exist.
Men have and will always be the providers and creators; women will always nurture and preserve. None of that has changed.
Now a man seeking a mate need to be able to provide something; irrespective of whether he is wanting her for sexual pleasure (that’s your business) or for a serious long term (and I mean marriage) relationship. Something must give.
It is about security.
All through the animal kingdom, security has always been paramount to females. A Lioness will lure two males into combat and then chose the one who stayed closest to her, shielding her while fighting.
A male is the provider. He is the one who must keep his female and whatever future offspring they beget safe. Security may be physical, emotional and financial (if she is just your girlfriend then this is your prerogative) and even safety from themselves.
That is who a woman looks out for when she chooses a mate.
Never mind if she earns a million bucks more than you do, so long your income can avail her a comfortable life, then you are almost suitable.
But a man may be broke today and have potential to make wealth tomorrow.
While potential in itself is good, it doesn’t hold much water when actions and fruitfulness is not visible. I am sorry but there have been people who have spent years waiting for the men they believe in to get comfortable enough to take them down the aisle, only for that time to elude them while the biological clock ticks faster, his dreams haven’t begun to see the light of day, and society has its slimy hands down her throat.
Albeit there are few occasions when the afore mentioned may work (1) Where age is on the her side while you pursue a career for yourself (say, 20:25 ratio). This way there is ample time on both sides to allow for activity without pressure. (2) She’s aging rapidly, has a lot of money on her hands to cater for you two, and just wants to get out of the singles’ club. (3) She has no plans to get permanently tied down in the nearest future. (4) There are no better alternatives. (5) She does not give a damn about society. If you get this one then be sure to put a ring on it. But not to confuse this, (5) is an exception to the general rule.
It’s nothing personal
Women have just been wired to think security and look forward to motherhood. It’s the reason we play house at an early age, psychologically edging towards nurturing. Perhaps the same reason men play with toy guns too. I cannot explain this need any more than a man can explain his need to possess, nor Hugh Heffner his addiction to a mansion filled with beautiful naked females.
Everything else…..
There is a huge difference between gold-digging and seeking financial security. This is not about gold-digging. If up to this moment you think it is, then I cannot help your situation.
It is unfair to demand that a woman be emotionally invested in you when you have nothing to offer (to her satisfaction) and then turn around to call her a witch when things don’t work out well. Think of your need, and think of hers too.
No man should actively seek a serious relationship if he does not have a steady flow of income. You are just setting yourself up for failure.
Women are supposed to be helpers. Adam had a job–to give the animals a name– and God provided him Eve to help out. A seed must be in the soil, you must labour to water, and when it begins to grow you can find a woman who will help nurture it to fruitfulness. However, when it is time to go hunting, be sure to choose a woman who understands wealth preservation and does not take the term oriaku literally.
There is a reason we have one body and different functional parts.
Should these roles ever overlap, don’t get too comfortable there. Find a way to get it back on track or someone is going to start feeling used and worn out.
Culture and society have never been completely fair to anyone. Chin up and swallow your pills.
This is turning into a long assed epistle so I’m going to stop now.
Questions, Comments….Rage? Use the pretty box below.
Honest Conversations 
I like the topic but really in this age, it’s very rare to find one clearly defined gender trait that has not been “hijacked”, so to speak by the other sex.
As long as the people are happy with who and what they are, and with their roles; provider, helpers, I believe it’s okay.
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As do I. Harmony in any union is important, and if both parties understand the needs of the other, I don’t see why their union shouldn’t work.
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I just came here and kind of sad I didn’t discover this blog on time…..nevertheless am here with intent to stay….
Now back to the ramblings. Advocate for feminism school of thought always have missed out the real purpose for women and have sold this vague ideas into present days ladies…..why I can’t say how much I detest making the relationship need a first priority by present day youths besides other pressing issues, i can only advice the ladies to think and act……..what on earth are you still doing with him after 6years of dating and all you get is baby satisfaction of a want……just thinking aloud
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Better late than never 🙂 Good to have you around.
I wrote a post on when feminism meets femininity a while back (you can use the search option), because I feel women have roles more suited to their personalities. Of course it’s no hard and fast rule since there are always exceptions, but like so many other things this age of ‘enlightenment’ has begun to rub off the wrong way on so many people.
6years? Talk about setting realistic goals and working towards them. Works the same way with marriage amongst other things. I also don’t get the relationship craze in this age too.
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Hey, just out of curiosity, what do you mean when you say “rapid growth and RAPE of feminism.” I don’t know how to read that, so I don’t want to misunderstand or speculate on your intention.
I just have a very big issue with the rigid definition of gender roles and how it makes people slaves to culture and societal expectations. Should a man always be looked at to be the provider? Must I, as a woman, be nurturing? What about stay at home dads? What if I don’t want to nurture/mother another human being? Where do they fit in our definition of gender roles?
“Should these roles overlap, don’t get too comfortable there. Find a way to get it back on track or someone is going to start feeling used and worn out.” Why should there be a need to barrage people with the idea that they must not “get too comfortable” with roles, women=helpers/men=providers, that have not been “ordained” for them. When society accepts that any individual can play any role without having to feel “used and worn out” then, we would have transcended the notion that “men have and will always be providers” while “women are supposed to be helpers.”
Yes, culture and society have never been fair to anyone, but man/woman was not made for culture. Culture was made for man/woman. As a dynamic institution, culture can be adapted to reflect the realities of a changing world. We start the process by relegating the issue of gender (roles) to the background while we acknowledge individuals for their best qualities.
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“rapid growth and RAPE of feminism.”
The definition of feminism has morphed over the past few years, I dare say in some societies it’s come to mean something completely different. More than being a movement to ensure the social right and equality of the sexes, feminism now seems to represent to people whatever they desire.
That’s what a lot of people say until they have been married for years and the babies start falling out.
True culture was made for man, and we can skew society whichever way we please (or fight it if we choose), but I believe to a large extent that more than society lays upon us roles and part to play, it is more or less a reflection of the things a majority of people desire.
Ask yourself, who makes up society? Who practices culture? People. It’s always people. And what becomes law is what a majority rules. So if there are gender roles, it’s to a great extent because we already (by nature or nurture) perform them.
But they are only as rigid as we need make them in a family unit. We’d like a man to help out at home every now and then, but that isn’t something he’s been taught to do all his life. Women may love to work and make some money for themselves, but that still doesn’t take away the fact that they will be running late from work, and the predominant thought on her mind will be how soon dinner can be served.
These aren’t thoughts society placed in your head, for while it can monitor your actions, your thoughts are yours alone.
Albeit there are a few here and there who are more in tune with their masculine side(women) and feminine side(men). These ones are grand exceptions to our natural rule. Each man may find what works for him and roll with it.
That said, this post simply sought to address the reason people display certain behaviors. It’s less about society and feminism and more about how the lines of our individual lives intersect.
And because you made mention of feminism first, I’d like to add that pseudo feminists (or should I say modern feminists) spend a lot more time fighting a war within themselves to escape from themselves, than embracing what they are and making the most out of it.
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Thanks for clarifying what you meant by “rapid growth and rape of feminism.” I believe rape to be a very peculiar word (act), so I am always intrigued when people use it in certain contexts.
I know the majority rules in most societies, but the minority is guaranteed the right to not be trampled by the wishes of the majority all the time.
Our thoughts are ours alone, but our thoughts/actions are influenced by the mores of the society we live in, so if society keeps demanding that we adhere to certain roles on the basis of gender, then when women are running home late, the “predominant thought on [their] minds will be how soon dinner can be served.”
The minority was able to convince the majority that killings twins, circumcising girls, and owning humans as slaves are abhorrent, but all these cultural changes started with a simple conversation between the majority and the minority. If we changed the conversation, society will not look to the man “to help out at home every now and then” and the woman to be consumed with thoughts of domesticity.
Actually, I didn’t mention feminism, but I appreciate the effort you put in your apt and astute generalization of pseudo, sorry, modern feminists as people that are fighting a war within themselves in order to escape from themselves. The peer reviewed studies that support that generalization must have been groundbreaking. Feel free to tell me more about those studies because where would we be if we cannot definitively back up our condescension of pseudo feminists?
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Glad we got that out of the way.
I totally agree with you on giving the minority the right to choose what they please, without judgment.
However, I will have to disagree with the notion of implanting independent thoughts into people’s minds; this isn’t lobotomy. Let’s take a look at history. Our forefathers have always been religious, so much so that our customs and traditions were followed to the letter….including twin killing.
Now what the minority who were able to end this did I believe was to sell them a different religion, one that promised forgiveness for sin rather than death. That was difficult, but eventually they succeeded (I mean who wouldn’t want a chance to worship a miracle worker who was also kind?). When one religion was successfully replaced by another, the rules changed. Today twins rather than viewed as something evil, is actually celebrated.
My point is before a thought can be implanted into a person, there must exist a desire, no matter how small.
If there is still a doubt as to what a woman’s natural instincts are, take a look at how nature communes. We’re talking animals who don’t have rules like we do, but are guided by instincts. Males provide security, and the females nurture (with the exception of a few who don’t bother at all). As for human females, all I can say is it’s easier to tell a bold faced lie to the world, but to mask the discomfort of following through with a particular act to oneself? I’m talking feelings….that’s difficult.
That last statement was a product of personal experience, observation, engagement and stolen conversations. I didn’t intend to sound so condescending(?), but there’s been a huge difference between what people say and what they eventually do.
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Yep I completely agree with this piece … and the fact that women factor in security be it physical or economical when looking for a mate.
But the real reality on ground in respect to this subject is that a subset or Majority of Nigerian Women tie their security to wealth. Which I am not against because it nature.
To get the average Nigerian woman, you stand a higher chance if you spend massively on her or have wealth.
This pivots the average women as a property, commodity that can be bought via proxy i.e give her money, flaunt your wealth and you can have her.
This has a adverse effect because when that poor guy final hit it big … all he cares about when he is in a relationship with the average woman is not her feelings, nor her emotional needs but how to make money, more money to keep her more economically secure.
He knows he can cheat, abuse her, insult her and she will still worship him as much as the money keeps following. If she can’t endure and quits another woman is already waiting to replace her.
Security is a very crucial need … and when the fulfillment of this need is tied by the average Nigerian woman to the Nigerian man.
It pivots him like a god, and her as a subordinate under his power and protection, her sense of security is at his mercy … The fact is he who controls your sense of security has power over you,
This is not a beautiful narrative for feminist, or the entire women population … Moreover It’s so sad that nature has always had it’s way.
Moreover …Their will always be men who would play out the above narrative… and some who would not majority of men who would not play out the above narrative are.
1. Men who grew to be where they are now with the help of a woman who has been by his side from when the going was rough.
2. A man who know his wife can get all the security she needs with out him. She is as rich as him.
3. A man who understands this narrative but also understand that as women are attracted to security So are men attracted to beautiful woman. He understands that her actions is just basic human nature and he therefore make a personal decision not to exploit this weakness.
I think I belong to the third category.
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Like I earlier opined, security is paramount on most minds, but for some it may be largely dependent on wealth and less on emotional needs.
One time I was having a discussion with a friend and I complained about Anambra men being too money conscious, like that’s all a woman should expect from her husband–money. She said, “that’s the kind of man I want! As long as he leaves me enough cash at home, he’s free to go wherever he wants”.
As a personal choice, I don’t quite agree with her, but as a distinct individual, l understand we all can’t expect the same thing from relationships.
It’s good that you recognize sexual traits that could be both good and harmful sometimes, but yet choose not to exploit it.
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Good, but kind of idealistic. So many limiting factors can make one dependent, esp in countries like this; background, exposure etc…. also remember that there are plenty other stuff to consider before agreeing to date someone in the long-term.
I was actually asking for your take on the woman who has invested time and resources in a man she with prospects, but might not become prosperous. Should she look for alternatives or keep enduring.
Pls Note: I don’t have probs with the topic in general, i completely agree with u. I just want to know ur view on a section that brushed a common situation that exists (considering all the naija factors).
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In that case there is no right or wrong move. Should she decide to move on and find someone with a bit more economic worth for herself and the children they have tomorrow, then she’s allowed to. Where I will have a problem is if she marries this guy, and then decide tomorrow that he is no longer good enough.
In the same vein, should she choose to stick with him and hope for something better(whenever that happens), then she’s also allowed.
What I have a problem with is men believing that Option One makes her a bad person.
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Yeah, a man, by all means should be able to safeguard and provide for his family. No matter how much my wife makes, i’l definitely live up to those primary responsibilities. I was going to state that women should also complement their men with prudence and industry then i saw the line about taking ‘oriaku’ literally.So, u got it all covered.
What’s ur take on a dependent woman dating a hardworking man, who is doing everything the book says to no avail….ill luck, kismet, ‘village things’ or for whatever reason, he just doesn’t make progress. Here, potential and action are present in the right proportions year in-year out, but still,no fruit.
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I’m not an advocate of being a liability or choosing to date a liability either. Women should engage in something profitable as much as men should.
As for ill luck and lack of progress, what can I say? Keep working hard and one day the light will shine on him. For the time being though, what is he doing with a dependent woman?
That’s what I meant by prioritizing. A woman wants you to spend on her, and you have nothing tangible yet; what little you can make is then spent on someone else too? That’s foolishness in my opinion.
My take? He should break up and get his act together.
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Well,that is true but it is a shame if she has know conscience,engage their hands and for the men who rape women are beast they are not worth living among the wise men ‘cos they are pollutant…
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No conscience? Explain please.
Don’t even get me started on men that rape.
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It is a good thing you stopped. I couldn’t stop laughing about Adam’s job, that dude had it easy. Name the animals and in the evening gather fruits, then some bedminton and with no competition from other eligible males, he didn’t have to worry about non performance.
Greetings dear friend and have a pleasant week
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Eve helped relieve stress from the day’s ‘hard’ work 😀
Greetings dearest
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I can tell you if anyone had it easy, those two couples did. Adam could not complain of bad food, he had no idea what good food or bad food is. Eve would not be worried about dressing badly. Think about it, they should just have stayed in ignorance.
How are you doing?
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Knowledge is magnetic.
I’m doing good, thank you. Trust you are too.
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There is nothing emotional about this comment, just curiosity from a sociological perspective, since I am not in the market for a mate: What about gainful employment? Not everyone can be wealthy, because wealth would mean nothing. If a man works hard and has a reliable, if ordinary, paycheck, is that still a deal breaker? If every woman will not settle for anything less than wealth, there will be a lot of lonely people in the world.
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Hmmm I should have used money i guess. Gainful employment works just fine. I don’t know about people seeking for extreme abundance…I hope they find what they are looking for soon.
I’m assuming ‘reliable’ is the key word here, so yes, that is a deal breaker. My problem is with people who have yet to align their priorities and assume everyone must fall in place as they dictate.
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Do you ever shake your head at what some of your friends will tolerate in a romantic partner? I’ve known educated, attractive women who will date guys over age 30 with no job, no intent on finding a job, no car, no prospects, and who live with their parents and play video games and smoke weed all day. “But he’s so sweet!” Let’s see what sweet looks like at 40 and 50.
I think, if I were a woman, I would find neediness and lack of independence particularly unattractive in a man.
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I have seen choices I don’t even understand one bit. And the oddest reasons for them too.
I am a woman and I find neediness and lack of independence very unattractive. Makes me think I’m about to babysit.
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